My 2008 football nightmare ends tomorrow as the Wolverines travel a couple hours south to take on the Ohio State Buckeyes. Unlike most years when these two teams meet, there is no national or conference title up for grabs. It is just another game. Such is the state of Michigan Football this year. It is hard to imagine the
last time Michigan visited Ohio they were ranked #2 in the country and playing for a birth an the National Championship game. The free-fall we have all experienced over the last two years has my head spinning and my heart aching. As any Buckeye fan will be happy to point out, they have won six of the last seven games; and they have
OWNed Michigan since
Jim Tressel arrived to save them from the evil clutches of Hall of Fame coach John Cooper. The Wolverines hold the
all-time series lead, 57-41-6, but the series is essentially a draw in the modern era. Our team has already set a school record for most losses in a season and we are all simply looking to end this catastrophic season. Just in case you still care, here is everything you would ever want to know about our bitter rivals to the south.
History: The school was founded as
The Ohio Agricultural and Mechanical College in 1870 under the support of the Morrill Act. Later that year, they welcomed the first class of twenty-four students, including three women. Like most land-grant schools of the era, an internal battle raged to define the mission of the school. On one side was the "narrow gauge" crowd, looking to teach subjects strictly related to agriculture and mechanical functions. On the other side was the "broad gauge" band wanted a more diversified curriculum that included liberal arts and sciences. As was the case in almost all of these Morrill Act battles the “broad gauge” side won. In 1878 in light of its expanded focus, the college permanently changed its name to "
The Ohio State University".
There was another battle from other schools in the state of Ohio. Both Miami University and Ohio University were older and more prestigious institutions at the time but they were not selected as the state university and the recipient of government allocations. Former US President
Rutherford B. Hayes lobbied hard for monies for Ohio State and basically browbeat the institution into existence. By 1906, the state legislature had enough and settled the issue by declaring Ohio State as the only school that would be allowed to offer bachelor through doctoral degrees, while Miami and Ohio would be limited to Bachelor and Masters Programs.
Location: The school is located in Columbus, Ohio, the capital city positioned in the middle of the state. Much to my surprise, Columbus is the largest city in the state of Ohio. I would have thought the major league cities of Cleveland and Cincinnati had larger populations than Columbus.
Nickname: They call themselves the Buckeyes. The
Buckeye is the official state tree and a creative term of endearment for the pioneers on the Ohio frontier. Apparently one of the first acts of the original settling party was to cut one of these stinky trees down and they’ve called themselves buckeyes since. The leaves appear in a five-leaf cluster, and the fruit (nut) resembles the eye of a deer, thus the name: buck-eye. As I have stated several times in the last few weeks, the nut is poisonous and should not be consumed by humans or cattle. Regardless of the danger, Ohio State fans love their buckeyes – and it is a very common sight to see them on game days wearing them around their neck as ridiculous tribal necklaces.
Mascot: His name is
Brutus Buckeye. In 1965 Ohio State students Ray Bourhis and Sally Huber decided Ohio State needed a “game day” mascot and persuaded the athletic council to study the matter. At the time, mascots were commonly live animals brought into the stadium or arena. A buck deer was contemplated but that idea was eventually rejected given the impossible logistics of keeping a deer from expiring from fright. Instead, a simple (yet heavy) paper-maché buckeye nut was constructed by students and worn over the head and torso, with legs sticking out. It made its initial appearance at the 1965 homecoming football game against Minnesota. The heavy costume did not last long and it was soon replaced by a more permanent and durable fiberglass shell. Sometime during the 1970’s they added a baseball cap to the bucknut with limbs. Today Brutus looks like something out of the muppets show and annoys anyone he comes in contact with.
Colors/Logo/Helmet: The schools official colors of scarlet and grey were selected by three students the same year (1878) they changed to their name to Ohio State. The combination was selected because it was viewed as a “pleasing combination” and these colors were not being used by any other college. The original mixture of orange and black was shot down when the students discovered that
Princeton used those colors. {Feel free to insert your own this is was the last time Ohio State came close to impersonating Princeton joke here}.
Ohio State is basically a sports marketing juggernaut. Their primary athletic logo from 1957 to 1987 was a simple, yet enduring block “O”. Since 1987 they have added a more modern “Ohio State” arched through the middle. They have a ton of secondary logos, the most common
combining the classic “O” with a buckeye leaf and nut.
Adding to my theory of the correlation of helmet design stability and program success; Ohio State's silver bullet helmet design has been basically unchanged since 1968, making it one of the longest-running continuously-used designs in the NCAA. This simple scheme is augmented by
little buckeye award stickers for class attendance, good behavior and nice plays. If you watch older
games on ESPN classic, the stickers were larger and most players earned only a few. They must have been harder to get in the 70’s and 80’s. These days, by the time the Michigan game rolls around, it is not uncommon to see Buckeye starters with their entire helmets covered with these stickers. In the future, I will not be surprised to see Terrell Pryor with little buckeye stickers applied to his entire uniform.
Fight Song: In 1915, OSU student William A. Dougherty, Jr., set out to write the perfect fight song for his school. Dougherty felt that something more exciting than
Carmen Ohio (
written in 1902 after losing in Ann Arbor 86-0) was needed for pep rallies and football games. As a result
Fight the Team Across the Field was created. It debuted on October 16th 1915 against Illinois and has not stopped playing since. It is important to note that they had to wait another 4 years before they could play it during a win against Michigan.
Today
Fight The Team Across the Field is the main fight song, although the
Buckeye Battle Cry is played after touchdowns. Though the lyrics reference football heroics, the song is used by Buckeye teams of all sports. If you have ever been to an OSU game, their band plays an entire catalogue of kidnapped tunes, including Braylon's favorite
Hang on Sloopy. This song has been adapted by many other universities and high schools in the United States, sadly including the high school that my kids attend in Texas. I have to silence T9 each time she visits because she can’t stop belting out the
alternate Michigan version of the song.
Fight the team across the field
Show them Ohio's here
Set the Earth reverberating
With a mighty cheer
RAH! RAH! RAH!
Hit them hard and see how they fall
Never let that team get the ball
Hail! Hail! The gang's all here
So let's win that old conference now!
Academics: The US News & World Report rankings of undergraduate colleges in America currently places Ohio State as the 56th overall, tied with Pepperdine. It is the highest ranked public university in Ohio and 6th in the Big Ten. Over the last couple of years, Ohio State has made dramatic steps in this area of academic rankings. With 39,000 undergraduates, Ohio State prides itself on offering about any academic or extracurricular opportunity a student could dream of: 170 majors, 800+ student organizations; 120 study abroad programs; internship and research opportunities in every college.
Athletics: Few schools have the athletic tradition of Ohio State. They are one of only three universities (Michigan and Cal-Berkeley being the others) to have won national championships in football, men's basketball, and baseball.
Since the inception of the Athletic Director's Cup, Ohio State has finished in the top 25 each year. Ohio State has won 57 total college national titles; of these 22 are NCAA championships. Their Women's teams have never won an NCAA sanctioned title, but they do have trophies in Cheerleading, Synchronized swimming (24 times) and pistol (2). In 2007, Sports Illustrated nicknamed Ohio State's athletics as "The Program" due to the unsurpassed facilities, unparalleled amount of men's and women's sport teams, success, and the financial support of an impressive fan base.
Exceptional former athletes at Ohio State include Olympic Gold Medalist Jesse Owens, NBA greats John Havlicek and Jerry Lucas, college basketball coaching legend Bobby Knight, and golf superstar Jack Nicklaus (attended, did not graduate).
But it is in football that most people recognize and associate Ohio State. They’ve won five recognized national championships, including most recently the 2002 crown. They’ve won 33 Big Ten titles. They have a combined seven Heisman Trophies including the only two-time winner: Archie Griffin in 1974 and 1975. 
They have produced many NFL stars and college and pro football Hall of Famers. Former coach Woody Hayes is worshipped as a god in the state despite an irascible personality and recurring episodes of poor sportsmanship, including the final spectacular explosion in which he punched a Clemson player after he had the audacity to intercept a Buckeye pass during the 1978 Gator Bowl. The identity of the school – and much of the state – is wrapped up in how the Buckeyes do on the gridiron. It is who they are and it unites them, much to the humor (and horror) of the rest of the nation. 
Famous alums: As you would expect, Ohio State has a long and somewhat impressive list of famous alums. They have many successful CEOs and political leaders. They have produced two Nobel Peace prize winners and have accumulated 10 Pulitzers. Recognizable names include former UofM President Harlan Hatcher, Tuskegee Airmen Squadron Commander Harold Brown, WWII Medal of Honor winner Robert Scott, Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center co-founder Charles Kettering, Goosebumps author RL Stine, Windex inventor Harry Drackett, Shoney’s founder Alex Schoenbaum, ESPN SportsCenter director Vince Doria, Actress Patricia Heaton, annoying comedian Richard Lewis, Rascal Flatts lead singer Gary LeVox, country singer Dwight Yoakim, Baseball Hall of Fame sportscaster Jack Buck, and the co-founder of Wikipedia Larry Sanger. By far the most humorous and ironic name I find on this list is Teflon inventor Roy Plunkett. I can only imagine how many times Jim Tressel has gotten on his knees and thanked him over the years.
Yes, our own Bo Schembechler has a masters degree from Ohio State. He also has a pair of those cute little gold-pants charms they give out for beating Michigan.
Ohio State can also claim serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer and Christine Chubbuck, the florida television reporter who committed suicide on live television in 1974.
In case you are still keeping score, I counted at least four NASA astronauts, there may be more. And although the state of Ohio has produced eight US Presidents, no chief executive has ever graduated from Ohio State.
The Game: There really is not much I can say about this game. Ohio State is going to win their record 5th game in a row over us. It should fulfill every bucknut fantasy: Terrell Pryor is going to scramble, escape, and dazzle into the endzone. Beanie Wells will get his annual photo opportunity with our winged helmets chasing him as he romps untouched for a long touchdown. Their wide receivers will make every sideline catch with spider-man like body control. Their defense will beat our young and undermanned offensive line bad enough to make even Vernon Ghoston blush. They will celebrate each bone crushing tackle with uncontained joy. Jim Tressel will figure out how to get that elusive 3 point conversion after a touchdown and Woody’s smile will be large enough to lower the ambient temperature in his hellish dwelling place a few degrees. The Best Damn Band in the Land will play all their songs over and over again and the Scalet and Grey Legions will scream and cheer like it will never end. Sru will finally figure out the admin password for this blog and install himself and Whets as the new owners. I have no expectation of anything other than pain and misery. Even if we happen to make it a close game for more than a couple of minutes, I will smile and move on as if I just saw an old girl friend on the street while taking a walk with my wife and kids.
Ohio State 105
Michigan 0
When all this is finally over I will breathe a sigh of relief that this nightmarish season is done.
I should feel sorry for Charlie Weiss and the Notre Dame football team. But I don't. Even after our painful 3-9 season, I should have more empathy. I don't. I have some life-long friends that are Notre Dame grads. It doesn't matter. In my heart I know that a good Notre Dame program helps the Big Ten in the eyes of the national media. I still don't care. 
I am feeling a little froggy this morning, so I decided to take on Phil's suggestion and produce an alternate version of 
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