Sports Science Friday: Substitute Teacher II

Since I know that T9 is soooooooooo busy with work (whatever...I know she was at the M/MSU women's game last night, because she was texting me updates). I will once again have to fill in for her for Sports Science Friday. A friend sent me this today, and I thought it was pretty funny. Since I wasn't ever really I "science" guy -- I will deliver a Sports Political Science Friday instead. I knew that LSA PoliSci degree would pay off sometime. If you happen to be from one of these countries, please do not take offense or declare "jihad on my ass", I am just the messenger.

If The Big 12 was the Middle East....

KANSAS = Saudi Arabia. Not altogether a bad place; has had historical success in oil and basketball, and continues to be a world leader in those areas. However, parts of the ruling family tends to thrive on its excess, much to its detriment; a certain prince's fondness for American culture (especially for its sweet baked goods) could very well lead to its downfall.

KANSAS STATE = Armenia. No one wants to be here, especially the Armenians. What's more, nobody really knows where it is. First came to prominence just a decade ago, and nobody can really remember it existing as an independent nation before that. Primary exports: Corn, junior college transfers.

NEBRASKA = Egypt. Was once a great power; its history, through the ages, is matched by few. Has languished in recent years, failing to recognize its new place in the world order as a follower, and not the leader it once was. Its people tend to be the friendliest to its neighbors, though still harboring a long simmering, yet contained, hatred for Israel.



COLORADO = United Arab Emirates. An incredibly refined populace -- probably because it's impossible to make it your home unless you're incredibly wealthy. Does its best to compete with its neighbors, but has resigned itself to being the playground of the region, instead of one of its traditional powers. Doesn't have a baseball team.

IOWA STATE = Afghanistan. There's really no reason that this nation should even exist, and if it weren't for previous colonial empires, it probably wouldn't. Easily overlooked over the last 300 years, its people are a ramshackle alliance of groups that don't belong anywhere else. Wishes to God, Allah, and whoever else that it would either cease to exist, or be swallowed up by Pakistan to the south, or the University of Iowa to the west.


MISSOURI = Turkey. Everyone is still trying to figure out how it got mixed up in this region, anyway. They're a member of NATO. Shouldn't they be in the Big Ten?


OKLAHOMA STATE = Syria. Nobody pays attention to them until they start mouthing off to the other nations around it. Will occasionally attack its neighbors, with varying success, with most of its successes coming in areas that others couldn't care less about, like wrestling.


TEXAS TECH = Iran. Really, REALLY wants to be noticed in the international community. Will go so far as to fake the development of nuclear weapons, or choose homicidal, maniacal, self-aggrandizing men as their president/basketball coach, just to get noticed. Incredibly eccentric as a nation. Has a deep-seated hatred of both Israel and Iraq--and a huge inferiority complex to go along with it. Very arid, dry climate featuring frequent windstorms.


BAYLOR = Lebanon. Everything they do is just a cluster, and no matter what they do, nothing ever seems to get better. Every once in awhile, it'll nip at the ankles of one of the larger nations, and piss those other nations off just enough to where they're smacked down and consequently can't achieve anything noteworthy for the next ten years.


OKLAHOMA = Iraq. Lies, cheats, and steals to get its way in the international community. If caught doing something wrong, or illegal, its excuse is that "everybody else has done it, we just get caught." No one wants to live here, but everybody that does wishes they could move away. Recently has undergone minor restructuring due to numerous ethics violations.



TEXAS = Israel. Pretty much everyone else in the region hates them. Can destroy lesser countries at will using incredibly advanced tactics. Not relegated to the stone-age lifestyle of many of its neighboring nations. Home of God's chosen people.


TEXAS A&M = Palestine. Doesn't actually exist as an entity to really be dealt with, but loves nothing more than to take pot-shots at Israel, just to tick them off. Economy based on farming, with an emphasis on sheep. Continuously complains that they're the real power in the region, and that their status should supersede that of Israel. Religious zealotry abounds; small, infrequent attacks on its neighbors are hailed as moral victories.