Get well plan

I can't tell you how much fun it is to be one of the laughing stocks of college football. Someday this nightmare will be over.

For now, I am just looking at it as a chance to learn to laugh at yourself and as a character building opportunity. I promise when this is over I will be a better human being.

From today's edition of the Wall Street Journal:

Merger! The Notre Michigan Irish Wolverines.

Please don't laugh. We're as serious as Bill Belichick on fourth-and-two (or as Yale was on fourth-and-22 Saturday in what will forever be known as the Harvard-"Fail" game).

Synthesizing Michigan and Notre Dame just makes sense. Neither institution has the ammunition or patience to persevere individually. Saturday, 5-7 Michigan fell to its nettlesome rival Ohio State for the sixth time in a row, which sadly means there are 6-year-olds in Ann Arbor who have no idea what it's like to taste Buckeye plasma. Meanwhile 6-5 Notre Dame fell in double overtime to plucky UConn and is installed as a six-point underdog next week against the Wildcats from High School Musical.

Naturally, the carnage in South Bend and Ann Arbor has led to apoplectic alumni and torch-and-pitchfork rumormongering about the fate of the head coaches. The consensus is that Notre Dame's Charlie Weis will be evicted and Michigan's Rich Rodriguez may cling on for one more season, in which he must beat Ohio State, win a national title, a Super Bowl, an Oscar and invent a hangover-free Scotch in order to save his job.

But why not Frankenstein these two struggling programs into one Super Team? The Notre Michigan Irish Wolverines would be an instant force in college football. Talent? Combined, they'll have plenty. Think of Notre Dame's quarterback Jimmy Clausen—who wouldn't bail early for the NFL—throwing passes to Michigan's Roy Roundtree. Exposure? Wouldn't NBC salivate to overpay for the Irish Wolverines? Expect to see the team running windsprints on Jay Leno.

And we don't want either Mr. Weis or Mr. Rodriguez to be dismissed. We'd have them installed as co-head coaches, and at their lavish combined salary, they'd be fools to complain. We'd even give them a new name: ChaRod. Can you imagine the excitement when ChaRod visits a recruit's living room? Consider those ChaRod press conferences.

Naturally, there are logistical issues. Uniforms: we'd probably go maize pants, white jerseys and navy-blue helmets with gold Wolverine-style wings. Home games: they'd have to do half in Ann Arbor, the other half in South Bend. Fight song: trickier. Better to start from scratch. We'll get James Osterberg to work on it; he spent some time at Michigan before transforming into Iggy Pop.

As for those fevered Michigan and Notre Dame alumni, we imagine this merger will feel like a demotion. But the Irish Wolverines are as close to an instant solution as you'll get. Fire Charlie, dump Rich Rod, and you're looking at a new coach, a new system, and several more years of listening to Jesse Palmer smoothly chronicling your ailments. And if they don't win, we'll simply combine them with the Cleveland Browns, piloted by the indefatigable ChaRodGini.

Someone please tell me that Michigan fans are arrogant now. Please!