Friday, November 13, 2009

Wolverine vs Badger

Inter-species conflict.
Assumptions = Two very healthy adult males.

Weight: 40 pounds
Weapons: 38 Teeth and curved and semi-retractile claws.
Build: The Wolverine's head is broad and rounded, with small eyes and short rounded ears. The skull of the wolverine is robust; powerful jaw and associated musculature enable it to forage on frozen meat and bone.
Armor: Wolverine fur is typically a thick, glossy dark brown.
Defenses: Well developed anal musk glands, musking appears to be used primarily as a fear-defense mechanism and is associated with cautionary raised tail posture
Temperament: Highly aggressive if cornered, documented reports of wolverines chasing grizzly bears off their kills.
Diet: Mostly carnivorous
Lifestyle: Completely solitary unless raising pups or mating.

Weight: 26 pounds
Weapons: 34 small needle like teeth and claws which can be up to 40mm long.
Build: Badgers are heavily built, and have a broad head with small eyes. The legs are short, but the forelegs are well-developed.
Armor: Relies on thick shaggy coat to protect it from harm. Its muscular neck and thick, loose fur protect it when it is captured by a predator. It can run backwards as fast as forwards. It hisses, growls, squeals and snarls. It also releases an unpleasant musk that may drive a predator away.
Defenses: Very fast and accomplished diggers. They can dig a hole to safety in less then a minute. There are anecdotal accounts of badgers emerging from holes they have excavated through blacktopped pavement and two inch thick concrete.
Temperament: Badgers are not a very friendly species. They are easily agitated to aggression and will stand their ground when confronted to anything, including bears and wolves.
Diet: Badgers are carnivorous, but will occasionally feed on plants. Their main diet consists of burrowing rodents, which they hunt by sniffing them out with their powerful sense of smell, then rapidly dig them up with their long front claws. Badgers will also eat insect they come across while hunting. They have been known to raid hornet and wasp nest.
Lifestyle: Badgers are solitary animals, except when males and females meet up to mate, and when females are rearing their young. If one badger meets another, they will attack each other.


Here is how the fight would go down..
Both Wolverine and Badger catch wind of another animals kill and come running. Badger gets there first due to speed and chases off the predator, followed closely by the Wolverine. Both have their eye on the prize and both are too aggressive and stubborn to back off. The scent throwing begins, with the Wolverine puffing out his tail and spraying much like a skunk, this irritates the Badger causing him to do the same. Both animals are now smelly and extremely pissed off but no one is injured yet.

The Wolverine, after much posturing charges in and the fur starts flying. The Wolverine claws are ineffectual, causing minimal damage to badger due to its course wiry fur. The Badgers is able to use it's claws but only to impose superficial wounds on Wolverine due to its extremely thick winter fur. The Wolverines jaws and skull muscles are built to crush through ice and bone. After much scuffling and snarling and snapping of jaws the Wolverine manages to get ahold of the Badgers leg in its mouth, and its extremely powerful jaws snap the bones like a twig. The Wolverines diet of frozen meat has given it the edge and the Badger can not recover from a broken leg. While the Badger has long claws and quickness it lacks the overall jaw strength to pose a real threat and its teeth have trouble getting through to the Wolverine.

It would be a hideously nasty fight, but the ability to crush bone would give the Wolverine an edge in an otherwise almost perfectly matched fight.

The winner:

WOLVERINES !!!!

8 comments:

srudoff said...

hmmmm

i would think a wolverine would make short order of a mountaineer too, especially one from boone, nc.

oh and a rocket

but what do i know about science

whetstonebuck said...

Unfortunately, the Wolverine didn't count on the Badger's concealed carry permit. "Boom!"

Badger now has two meals: one for Smith and one for Wesson.

phil said...

Considering Sru and Whet spend most of their time in the Baboon section of the zoo, they have a working knowledge of other mammals too. I'm impressed. Not really.

whetstonebuck said...

phil,

If we didn't go by the baboon section and toss you an occasional banana, you would have no visitors at all. Which, by the way, is your own fault for throwing your own poop at people.

ohio_guy said...

here's one for next week (well, it was actually made in 2006)

link

phil said...

Whet - Oh man, that was you and sru?! I wish you would have spoken up. I thought you guys were the bearded ladies from the circus across town.

TitleIX said...

all projectile objects have been removed from my home.

here's my prediction:
Wisky runs a standard Big 10 old school offense with traps, draws, and quick passes to the RB out of the backfield alllllll damn day long. We have no linebackers. 'nuff said. Ball control offense will dominated and keep us from even trying to score.

Tater once again freaks out and tries to "Forcier" shit and provides at least 2 turnovers. While Denard is in, he gives up at least one.

I feel bad for these kids. I watched the Rutgers vs. #25 USF game the other night and couldn't help but be reminded of our team...

I'm going to watch and post today...but beware cuz the claws may come out...

Mikoyan said...

Badgers are ugly animals. The Wolverine is much cuter....

Just look at my picture.