UnHappy Valley

The Penn State University Riot Police and a team of grief counsellors were called out in force this week in Happy Valley after the NCAA announced the highly anticipated final results of the 2008 College Football attendance race. Nittany Lion fans poured into the streets, many of them with tears running down their faces screaming uncontrollably. Some even resorted to rioting as they loudly protested their stunning second place finish in the standings. This is the sixth time this decade that Penn State has finished second to Michigan in the attendance race.

"I don't know what to say, we thought we had it made when they had to eliminate so many seats during their expansion project..." stated Penn State Athletics Director Tim Curley. Despite having a capacity of 107,282 (larger than Michigan Stadium's 106,201) the Nittany Lions were once again outdrawn by the Wolverines by about 200 fans. Penn State averaged 108,254 while Michigan packed in 108,571.

Penn State football coach Joe Paterno was less diplomatic following the NCAA announcement: "I don't know what it is that we have to do to beat these ASSHOLES !!! We beat them on the field 46-17, they only win three stinking games, and they STILL put more fannies in the seats... It is really embarrassing..." Penn State has expanded Beaver Stadium seven times since Paterno became football coach in 1966. Rumors of further expansion including a 9th deck have not been confirmed by anyone inside the program.

Penn State fans were burning up the internet message boards with all kinds of complaints and whining about the results. "Maybe they mis-counted us because we were all dressed in white..." Some even suggested that Penn State would be better off "dropping out of the NCAA" and joining another college athletic association that would recognize how superior their storied program really was.

Paterno also stated that he is planning on complaining loudly to the Big Ten Commissioner at the next conference meetin regarding inconsistent counting methods used by stadium officials in Ann Arbor. "It is bad enough that we have to put up with the 'REF-ERINES' making sure Michigan wins on the field, but this is getting to be too much. First it was Tony Johnson's foot, then it was Jason Avant's heel followed by Lloyd's extra second. I just can't take it anymore..."